Un-Results

Waiting for the doctor to call to give me some results on my bone marrow biopsy. Waiting, waiting. Then the time comes to leave for San Francisco to see the mouth specialist to check the progress on my OLP.

Kats is driving and I'm checking my cellphone to see if a call had come through and I hadn't heard it. Then I notice the battery is dead! I call the clinic from Kats' cell to tell them to have the doctor call his phone. I explain the situation.

"So sorry Dr. Wong is not here today"

"But, he was supposed to call me and tell me some results today. He thought some might be in by now. Maybe they didn't come in and that's why he didn't call. Can  you check and see?"

On hold

"I don't see any results in your chart yet, but if you like, we can have Dr. Wu call you as soon as they come in. Dr. Wu is in the office today."

"Yes. Yes. That will work" and I provide the number for Kats' cell. I hang up and start to cry.

We are driving on a curvy mountainous road (Highway 17) in the midst of traffic. The cops are sitting on the edge of the road with their radar guns going. Too many people speed on this highway, crash their cars, and get killed, or kill others. Driving this road can be harrowing at certain times of the day. We are in that targeted time slot.

"Why are you crying?" Kats asked.

I dry my tears, blow my nose. "I don't know. It's silly really. It doesn't matter whether I get the results today or not. I don't have a computer with me to research what the results would mean."

"You can use my iPad.It's in the back seat" he says. But, we wouldn't have any internet access, so I say, "Yeah, Let's play Angry Birds!" and we laugh.

Why not find something silly to laugh about? Crying isn't going to change the situation except perhaps bring me down into misery. I can do that real well, if I let myself. Not necessary! Ain't doing that! I have a choice how I want to be. Perhaps some other time I wont have the control to stop it, but today, I can.

I'm feeling such a dunce. I run an online support group for chondrosarcoma patients. I know a lot about bone cancer, but nothing about Leukemias. It's like knowing a lot about riding a bicycle, but not a thing about shearing sheep. Riding a bike was important to me once. But now shearing sheep is a life or death matter! Okay, not that bad. But I can't leave a stone unturned. I like to know ALL the facts, even the ugly ones, even if they may never affect me. I'm like the kid who counts all the Cheerios in the box, lining them up on the table before he eats his breakfast. I want to check it all out.

In the case of the blood marrow results. There are certain numbers they are looking for attached to certain alphabets. I want the code. I want to break the code. And I wanted it yesterday! Damn! Why must I wait for my Cheerios?

Granted Dr. Wu may call me on Monday and let me know. He's not my doctor. He's the partner of my doctor. and that's okay by me. I already knew that Dr. Wong would be going out of town until the 17th. I just didn't realize he would be leaving on today... before he would call me. I misunderstood, I guess.

I am a horse at the gate impatiently awaiting the signal. I want to get my self on that fast track. I want to dig my hooves into the dirt and kick up the dust. I want to work up a sweat. I WANT TO KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I AM DEALING WITH!

I hate mysteries!

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First photo taken by my brother, Roger. Second photo taken by me while attending a fundraiser for Sarcoma.