Haunted Awakener

I find myself within each day swinging from blessed ignorance (my brain has turned itself off), to horror.

I puzzled over the dilemma of being controlled by my emotional instability and how I could live better with the situation.

There's always a choice, I say. Well, maybe not always, but an attempt must be made in order to try to get through things instead of falling through the cracks and losing it entirely. Been there done that too many times already. Psych meds help, but I also have to help myself. I think it's called Rational Emotive Therapy. It's quite helpful.

I had a friend once who had a series of bad dreams that haunted her daily life. She tried everything to stop the problem, from counseling to sleeping pills. But, it wasn't until she realized that the dreams bothered her most after indulging in one of her favorite activities. Or should I say, inactivity. She enjoyed watching horror movies.

Sometimes we don't put two and two together until long after we have failed the math test.

I realize my subconcious is wrangling with the Leukemia diagnosis, of course. My concious mind wants facts, facts, facts. I keep researching, learning what all the medical terminology definitions are, studying like a pre-med student for the final exams. I want satisfaction for my curiosity. I must know the adversary!

Still, the adversary is frightening. I can't turn my back on it. I research late in the evening after I have done all the rest of my daily business.

I sleep okay. It's just waking up to the underlying emotions that gets me down. One might say, "Stop researching". That would make me so anxious, I would be in worse emotional condition.

I have come to the conclusion (Drum Roll) that researching Leukemia information late at night is what's causing the emotional wake up periods.

DUH!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Photo Art, "Haunted Dreamer" by me, Elizabeth Munroz